if im not in love with you

can this ever explain my feelings?? i was just listening to the song...

If I'm not in love with you
What is this I'm going through, tonight
And if my heart is lying then
What should I believe in
Why do I go crazy
Every time I think about you baby
Why else do I want you like I do
If I'm not in love with you

And if I don't need your touch
Why do I miss you so much, tonight
If it's just infatuation then
Why is my heart achin'
To hold you forever
Give a part of me I thought I'd never
Give again to someone I could lose
If I'm not in love with you

Oh why in every fantasy
Do I feel your arms embracing me
Lovers lost in sweet desire
Oh why in dreams do I surrender
Like a little baby
Someone help explain this feeling
Someone tell me

If I'm not in love with you
What is this I'm going through, tonight
And if my heart is lying then
What I should believe in
Why do I go crazy
Every time I think about you baby
Why else do I want you like I, I do
If I'm not in love with you

delighted?shocked?hmmm i dont know....

was at work last night chatting away on msn and yahoo with some friends, not expecting him to show up as it was already late. when he signs in, my smile reached from ear to ear...
and i got the biggest shock(?) of my life...
let me tell you a story...
when i was a little girl i used to sit in front of the tv and watch the video of my parent's wedding... at that time things were not doing so well between them, and i just wanted to watch their beautiful wedding to block the images of the ugly fights between them...
while watching, i became quite enthralled with the song that kept on playing. it was entitled "endless love" and i said i will marry the guy who will sing that song to me!
fastforward to today, hmmm about 18 years later.....
he sents me a video of mariah carey and luther vandross' "endless love"
what does that mean?
i really dont know... figure it out tina... just figure it out
my heart is fluttering madly in my chest, my face is heating up...
what does that mean?
can anyone tell me?

im not the perfect wife

i was watching this movie entitled "A Love Song" and boy, was i touched by the point of view of the characters in the story. each one played a powerful role in the movie. the plot is pretty simple, married guy with a mistress... but the mistress seems to be playing the role of the wife, when the wife finds out of course she was hurt and begged the mistress to leave her husband alone.it ends like the usual love story, husband goes back to wife...
not in my case though, i tried to make it up to him again, tried to be the perfect wife again, but then again it seems the more we stay together the more we hurt each other. more words that are not supposed to be said are being hurled against each other!its so hard to forgive and forget...hard to forget the fact that he cheated on me and left me for her, hard to forgive the fact that hes willing to leave his family for someone like her. how could anyone leave his family behind, is he human? i want to bask in the glory of love, be astonished at the miracle of what love can do to someone... but it makes me hate the idea of love! to think that its just possible to leave someone who needs and loves you more than anything in the world for another person who you claim to love... what about me then??! am i just not meant to be loved and be happy? part of me screams for revenge and part of me wants to just let go of everything and be happy alone.. its hard to do what the heart tells you to when the mind is thinking too much...
maybe its time i should just let go of all the hurt ive been feeling, throw the thoughts of being betrayed right straight to the ocean, never to return to my poor battered soul...
i've had enough of the nights with tears running down my face, had enough of thinking of the perfect revenge, had enough of hurting each other... i just want to be happy, be free of the pain again.. live my life as if it never happened... will i ever come to that point, because at this time, i am tired and i just want to let go of my hurtful past...

THINGS I JUST LEARNED FROM THE MOVIE:

- a flower is just like a woman, dont pick it when you have an intention of just destroying or playing with it...because there will never be a flower like her again!
- learn to let go of the hurts and the pains thats been boiling inside for so long, in the process you will also protect your love ones from being hurt by you

to all the women who have been betrayed by their husbands, fight for him no matter what, he's yours. but when things just become to ugly to comprehend learn to let go and throw away your hurts... (easy to say, hard to do.... but believe me i am in the process of healing and i can feel how much better it is to live without any hurt or pain digging through your very heart...

meeting someone

i recently met someone online, he noticed my photo on friendster and mailed me that he loved my smile, i gave him my IM and pretty soon we were chatting with each other like there's no tomorrow!
learned so much about him in such a short time and taught me something "life is short, live it to the fullest!"
to think i met him at the lowest point of my life, must be something god must have laid out for me,im not sure what to do at this point
hes inviting me for a visit to their place (australia) and i dont know if i should just go and have some fun, i think i do deserve it...
im just scared of the funny feeling (a.k.a the flutters in my stomach)! how can i let myself go falling for someone again
yep thats true, im starting to fall again, and im so scared of my feelings, dont you think i should have learned something by now?
my bestfriend georgia said i hope hes for real
i hope he is too, because i dont really know what to do anymore if this turns out bad again! i mean im not hoping for a relationship with him now ( okay okay i am praying hes mr right!) and even if we remain as friends, thats fine with me, as long as he doesnt go disappearing into thin air!
do i sound desperate for love?!
i dont know what to do again at this point
let him be the one!

its me! yes!

happy birthday to me!

i turned 26 yesterday the 7th of october, probably one of my worst birthdays ever, or rather i should say the worst birthday i ever had, no one from my family greeted me.... and i miss my kids terribly, want to hold them in my arms and hug them, i miss my baby girl and i havent seen her for two months, i miss my big baby angel and shes probably wondering where her mommy is...
just thinking about the sacrifices i have to be with someone who doesnt even love me,makes me think im missing out so much on the kids to get their daddy back, and hes wounding me to bits...
i dont have anyone to talk to, dont want anybody to think how sad i am, dont want them to think im such a weak person...
dont want anybody to think that, because i want them to remember me as tina always laughing, never a care in the world, i want to brighten up everyone's day and not let them think im just in the corner of a dark room dont know when i can get out, and if i do, will i survive the big bad world out there?
happy birthday to me, sweet beautiful princess, no matter what they say ill always be strong and pretty and they cant take that away from me...

something to think about

MySpace Graphics & MySpace Codes


MySpace Graphics & MySpace Codes


MySpace Graphics & MySpace Codes

regrets

i have a lot of regrets in my life, before i would say i dont regret anything ive done but now i do... for one i wish i didnt marry my husband, but i cant exactly blame myself for this. who would have thought that after all those promises of love and getting me the moon he would just stop loving me, it hurts me thinking that nothing is forever, nothing is permanent... although i would have thought we would be able to work it out but then hes just not willing to..

make me believe

make me believe in the magic of love again, i want to feel how it is to trust someone with my whole life, my experience has left me so broken and so scared to love that i have put up this brick wall in front of me, someone please teach me how to trust again, i cant go on living like a crushed spirit...

Human

i was on the way to work this morning when the city jail service passed by and i saw about 20 or more inmates cramped inside. i honestly think they look like pigs ready to be butchered. sometimes i lose faith in the human rationale. i understand that those people may have done grave crimes but they are still human beings...

just like in my life when people expect me to act the perfect way, i'd like to shout im only human and im allowed to commit mistakes and learn from them. i get hurt that they can do wrong but i cant because im expected to just take it all in and be nice about it and be civil.. im not a machine who doesnt have any feelings, i get hurt, i cry...

when people tell me im strong id like to think so myself but i know im not, and im just not dwelling on things that make me sad... yes ive been through a lot and to be honest im not willing to go through the same hurt and the same pain anymore,im not masochistic so please spare me..

my favorite song

this is such a sad song, i dont want to dwell on sad things but well certain songs just remind me of love lost :(

Here Without You (3 doors down)

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

some great advice

Myspace Quotes Graphics

forgiveness

its hard to forgive someone who has betrayed you a lot, but then when you do you feel happier..i wish that all bad things come to an end soon, im just tired from all the pressures in life, financial security is what i need most at the moment but hey its just temporary, all the things in life are temporary, thats for sure... i just wish the end to my sufferings are near, i think ive learned my lessons well.
today seems to be a day of forgiveness, ihope that god will forgive me too for whatever ive done wrong, and i hope he'll grant me the inner peace i so long for..

bitchy slut that girl

what a day for me, seeing more evidence of his infidelity, you know i try to be as discreet and there he is short of waving that fucking thing in my face, i got so satisfied after cutting that goddamn thing into tiny pieces, especially across those names! who the hell does she think she is, his goddamn wife?! she has no shame at all, to think she goes to church everytime she can and very religious too, shes a hyprocrite if you ask me, shit i'd love to get my hands on her and strangle her. if its not a sin to kill i would have gotten rid of her two years ago.goddamn ugly bitch, she gets my man and expects to keep him, over my dead fucking body, who does she think she is (again!) i sooo hate her and i wish i can show her how much i hate her!dumb fucking whore!

i want out

sometimes when a thought hits me and dont have anything else to think about but that certain thought i wish theres a way i can just forget about everything that has happened and just live a peaceful existence. isnt there a way to just discard those hurting thoughts and live life the way i deserve to live. i try to understand how he feels but i just cant. to be honest, he doesnt understand me at all, sometimes i think hes living in some fantasy world where wives are robots, not allowed to feel and get hurt and just get discarded when hubby is tired of wifey.hell i tried to forget about him, think about other people who love me and care for me, but i just couldnt. maybe im just holding on too much. i want to experience being loved again, and being appreciated for what i can do. im not a bad person i know im not... but he makes me seem im the worst person in the whole world. this relationship is not healthy anymore,i wish someone can show me the way out and just show me what ive been missing. i dont even know why im sticking to this emotionally abusive relationship, god knows how much ive suffered. i know im not the perfect wife, but i just dont deserve this.